Flashbacks and Managing Me

There is so much I am accepting and allowing to be uncovered.   There are many secrets I've held for a very long time, about the terror I carry beneath a spirit that has come a long way into understanding love.   I have worn a stoic mask of a survivor, and while my strength holds no limits, I am, for the first time, embracing, speaking and allowing the aftermath to live.

There is a shame in carrying shame.  There's a pressure to wear a face that all is together and intact in the category of normal.   It's a double paned glass with a shattered layer.    I'm starting to remove the pieces.   I'm beginning to remove the fear of all the pieces falling at once.

To live a life of not facing severe trauma is exhausting.   To constantly have band aids lain on it and directed to carry the blame has left me existing in a state of carrying wounds that can never completely heal.

This week has been a week of really facing where I am, and what I am capable of handling and dealing with.   It's been a week of understanding that my arms don't stretch as far as I think they do.   It's a week of understanding how exhausted I really am emotionally.

I have had to define and understand my episodes, put them in perspective and deal with them on a whole different level of understanding.   When I flashed back on Monday, where suddenly I was seeing in my mind's eye, pictures of infants being beaten for crying, and mothers holding their hands over babies mouths as they gasped for breath, I thought that shaking my head as I normally do to scatter the images away, would be enough.

But it wasn't.

Because that night was filled with the vivid, horrible dreams, and by the time I woke up Tuesday, I was dysfunctional.

It is the one time, that I can say, I feel alone.  Most times, I shut away alone, and the despair takes me under. 

This last episode has me re-evaluating my emotional support system.  I am coming to understand that I need to re-evaluate some of my coping methods. 

My solace came in a friend who decided to take the time to Google Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Flashbacks.  She read up on how to manage episodes and promptly came over.   It was important that I be soothed, to be surrounded by soft light, soft food, soft touch, and acceptance, to be held and allowed to flow the emotion.  I was in no position to sooth myself.  I couldn't get up off of the bed or stop sobbing.  I sobbed so much my ribs ached. 

I couldn’t get the images out of my mind, not the images of what my childhood had seen, nor the images of the dreams that followed nor the deep emotion that was being pushed up by the memory surfacing.   The sadness that was flowing through me had me completely overwhelmed.  I felt the sadness of another person on one of the days, which intensified my grief. 

My support friend brought chocolate mousse and caramel apples and a warm bottle of rum.  She said "Let's watch a funny movie!" and we put in Steal Magnolias.    She wrapped me in a blanket and together we cuddled on the couch.  I realized that this was the first time in my life, that I had a friend who understood my deepest needs.   I realized she was the only one who had taken the time to research what it was exactly that I needed.  It was both comforting and clarifying.  It was both saddening and a huge relief. 

I realize more than ever, that I have to better prepare for what I'm doing.   I came to a deep understanding this weekend, that it is time for me to separate and delicately manage my surroundings as I push through to finish this novel.   

I set up a system with my support friend, that when I am going to dig into certain traumatic parts of my book, that I'll set those portions for Thursday or Friday, so she will be available on the weekend to manage my care should I be thrown into ptsd again.  Since the pattern is that every time I write them, it triggers a flashback, I now can adjust myself to utilize tools to help me through the moments.   I am so grateful that she is willing to support me.  It is exactly the support I need, and I have not been able to find it.

for now, I'm on day three of recovery, and I am just able to turn on the overhead bedroom light and allow my eyes to feel artificial lighting for a bit.   for now, I'm managing the hypersensitivity and getting it down to a point where I can at least go to the grocery store.  for now, I am managing me. 

for now, I'm pulled into hibernation, and I need this hiatus.   I know what I have to do.  I hope I have the strength to finish it.