Uncertainty

Today is one of those days where I feel alone.  Today, I wistfully imagine how it would feel to be wrapped up in the arms of Him, whoever he may be, my head against his beating chest, safe, loved and protected.   I pull the pillow to my chest to imagine, for just a moment, that I am not here in this solitary house with just the raindrops to keep me company.    I let a tear slide, because my soul is affected.  

I wonder sometimes how long this uncertainty lasts; how long before the exhaustion takes over from fighting against the ever changing frayed future.   I can do nothing but just wait.  I can do nothing but just know that what will happen is what will be.

Yet today I am filled with the awareness that I am not always in like company even when I am with friends.  There is a link I cannot plug into and an effort of existence to which I cannot relate.  I have come to know no other way except to simply be inside of the realness.   I stand apart from the collective.  I don’t feel at home there.

I wonder if I’ve ever known what it is to be kissed by lips who do so because my face is adored, because sharing my air becomes his necessary breath; because there’s more there than the fingers that creep away from a mouth using kisses as hopeful distractions.    I am alive in the reality, that I never have.  Every hand that has touched me, every tongue that has grazed mine had bitter intent.

There’s a mystic somewhere in the meadow, knees against the sharp blades, and I call to her with pleading eyes.  I tell her I am tired.  She doesn’t look at me, her face raised to the sky, and I am shattered by knowledge, laden with truth and weary from being human.

I rest my head against the pillow asking sleep to taken me into unawareness.   I smile at the fogged window as the wind makes raindrop faces in the pane.   I soak in the sounds of this place like love and whispers.   I am one day at a time, and today, I am awkwardly aware of how long it’s been since I have felt Him, whoever he may be, hiding in that space where never seems like eternities.